Slow Down, Child!

 

Okay, I have relished the fact that my little Anna is so small and cuddly (though I do want her to gain weight--hence Operation Butterball).  But all of a sudden, she is just growing up on me!  I am not a fan of this new turn of events--though, as always, she is so cute doing it!

For one thing, she is walking now.  Though she still prefers to crawl (Miss Cautious!), she can walk across a room with no problem.  We've counted 22 steps before she fell.  Most of the time, we don't count though.

She is also talking--or at least trying to!  Luke never repeated us when we tried to get him to talk, but Anna does regularly.  She can do two syllable, repeating consonant words (Mama, Daddy, Bubba, Nana) with ease.  Much to Greg's delight, she even takes a stab at "basketball" (buh-buh-bah).  And if something is just beyond her verbal abilities ("jacuzzi"), she will still repeat your inflection using random vowel sounds.  It is too cute.

In addition, she points to different parts on her face (ears, eyes, nose, mouth) on command with some accuracy. (Some:)).  But it is so funny to watch her passion--she squishes her nose with her finger and nearly pokes her eye out, so it seems.  She'll also initiate a game of peek-a-boo by lifting her bib over her face and then dropping it triumphantly when you ask, "Where's Anna?"  She'll stir and pour and play with a teaset with great delight.

In short, she is just growing up.  I just got done putting her bottles up.  And I'm slowly starting to face the fact that she is becoming a toddler and not a little baby.  Wah!!!!

Project 365

My mom told me I haven't been posting enough pictures.

This is true.

It's also a little ironic because I have been taking 10,000 pictures lately. That's because I am doing a project called Project 365, in which you take a picture every day for a year.

This woman named Becky Higgins came up with this whole kit where you can display your pictures and write about each day. It's awesome. The only problem was that there was a major fiasco with the selling of the kit. It completely sold out in half an hour, and there was this huge brouhaha powered by thousands of disgruntled scrapbookers. Apparently, you don't come between scrapbookers and their kits.

But by some miracle, I got one.

So now I've been so busy filling my Project 365 album that I'm not posting as much. But then an awful thought hit me:

What if something happens to my precious album?? What will become of all my beautiful pictures??!!?? Hmmm...

So, I'm putting them online as well. That way, my mom (and any others who wants to see pictures of our family) can be appeased, and I'll have the peace of mind to know that all my pictures are floating safely in cyberspace.

The URL is www.kirbyproject365.blogspot.com. It is updated through January 29. I'll still try to put pictures on this blog, of course. But if you are one of the few people who need, NEED to see pictures of grandbabies--er, I mean, our children--then you can head on over to the 365 blog:).

Operation: Butterball

So Anna went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago for her one year checkup and got the prognosis we all wish we could get (at least I do): Gain weight!

Ugh. I was so distressed to hear that she only weighed 18 lb. 12 oz, which is not enough to turn her carseat around (must be 20 lbs.) and which puts her back in the 10th percentile. I swear we feed this child! So the doctor said to make weight gain a priority and gave me a handout with some tips. Tips that, I must say, went against everything I'd heard up to this point about feeding young children. Some examples? Butter on everything! Gravy on everything! You're giving her a banana? Add some chocolate sauce!

What???

But hey, it's doctor's orders, and I really do want Anna in a decent weight percentile. So she has been eating high on the hog. The doctor recommended giving her Carnation Instant breakfast once a day, which we do. The only problem is that she also suggested giving it to her in milkshake form.

Mmmmmm, milkshakes....

We had a big tub of chocolate-vanilla swirl ice cream left over from Anna's party, and let me say, once you remember how good a homemade milkshake is, it becomes a regular occurrence. We just started leaving the blender out. And obviously, it's not just Anna who is enjoying these shakes. One day we all had milkshakes...while Anna was napping! Oops. So we had them again when Anna woke up:).

Let's hope Anna packs it on quick, before Operation: Butterball becomes a family affair!

A Year in a Relationship

Part 1: Spring 2008

"Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers.'"
--Matt. 7:22

I fear that in every area of my life, I am found wanting. How am I going to answer for my life on the day of Judgment? Have I done even a fraction of what I could do, what I was supposed to do, for the Kingdom? How am I going to explain my nice house, my comfortable life? Why am I not on some third world mission field? Why am I not living in the inner city? Why am I not selling all my possessions and giving them to the poor?

I feel like I--and most of those around me--have missed the point of Christianity, that we've been reading the Bible with our 21st century American blinders on, and that we've completely missed (or denied) the radicalism to which we are called.

I'm not sure what I should do differently. I'm not certain that I should take any drastic steps, not that it's really my choice in the first place. In the meantime, I fear judgment. I fear God. And I'm not sure what I'm going to say when the time comes to stand before Him.


Part 2: Late Spring-Summer 2008

"I've had a revelation.
Being a mom--it's really hard.
That's not my revelation.
My revelation is...in this phase of our lives, our family is THE most important thing, and it's going to take ALL of our time. And God's okay with that."
--a close friend

I have found peace. My life IS a ministry to God; my family is my ministry. My house is a blessing and a haven--both for my family and for others. Everything is to be shared, to be held with an open hand. Rocking my daughter, doing laundry, planning and making meals, saving and giving, playing with my son...it is all meaningful. It is all service to God. I feel joy. I feel peace.

Part 3: Late Summer-Early Fall 2008

"I dream of Michelangelo
when I'm lying on my bed
I see God upon my ceiling
I see angels overhead
And He seems so close
When He reaches out His hand
But we are never quite as close
As we are led to understand."
--Counting Crows

Well, motherhood helped bring me back to God, and now it's driving me away again. This time, it's the idea of all the suffering in the world, especially the chronic suffering of so many infants and children, combined with my heightened sense of empathy from raising two children. Plus, my brother's not doing very well. I just don't understand how God can let all this bad stuff happen. Mere Christianity is not appeasing me anymore. All the answers I've always heard have quit working.

I am haunted by the words I've recently heard from a beloved mentor: "God gave us an impossible command when He said to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. How can you love someone who you can't know, who is so different from you?" For once, I could see the point. I feel so acutely aware of the immense difference between me and God, the immense chasm that lies between a pitiful, finite human, and Something so infinite. Everything I know about God, including the Bible, comes to me through a human lens. Two lenses, actually: the writers of the Bible, and my own eyes. Just like the painting on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, all of my knowledge is ultimately a human construct, even if it is informed by the Divine.

And that's the thing. I still fully believe the Bible is inspired, and that God has told me what He wants me to know. However, what I know is not enough to have a REAL relationship with Him. I've heard my whole life that God is Abba, that Jesus wants to be your best friend. But how can you have any real relationship, much less a close one, with someone you COMPLETELY do not understand?

Part 4: Fall 2008

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man."
Genesis 32: 24-25

I have reengaged. I'm not content without closeness with God, even though I believed closeness to be a delusion. And I still see the truth in that. I cannot be close to Someone so infinitely beyond me in every way. But if that's true, that's something God has long since realized, and, despite our differences, He takes steps to allow us to have relationship with Him. For one thing, He comes "down" from His lofty post and wrestles with us. Or allows us to wrestle with Him. Whatever. He humbles Himself to engage with our feeble minds. He allows dissent. He allows us to cry out to Him, to be honest with Him. The psalms really nail that home to me. So rather than sit back and acknowledge that I'll never understand God, I wrestle.

And either He wins or He gets tired and touches the socket of my skepticism, because...

Part 5: Winter 2008-present

"And I still haven't found what I'm looking for."
--U2

...God and I are closer than ever. The words to the U2 song ring in my ears, but in a hopeful way. I haven't truly found what I'm looking for--that glorious sense of complete communion with God--but I don't think I'll get that until I get to heaven. But I'm getting closer.

I seriously don't remember getting answers to all my questions, or at least no new ones, but I feel peace again. My faith has rebounded. And with it, a new depth to my sense of God's presence and of what it means to live for him. Right now, my keys to the Kingdom are found in the idea of dying to self, living a life of love (as elaborated in Eph. 5:1-2), and praying continually. To open the blinds in the morning is to thank God for another day. To play with my children is to feel gratitude to God, to teach them is to lift them up to Him. God permeates all, is in all. And, as I have felt at so many different points in my life, I sense God pulling me to a new depth, to the next step in our relationship. It's like that scene in Indiana Jones, where Indy has to "step out on faith" off the edge of the cliff, but in my scene, I am beckoned by God, who is just on the other side.

Looking back on the year, part of me feels disappointed in my chronic humanity (could I BE more phase-y??). Yet, at the same time, I see how each stage had the same underlying theme: there is something deeper than what you see, what you know. The God you think you know? He's more than what you are thinking.

The only difference is, sometimes I despaired, and sometimes I was invigorated by the distance. It was the same distance, the same depth...but sometimes it beckoned, and sometimes it discouraged.

Right now, it beckons. I see just a glimpse, a glimpse, of what I can have with God. And it blows my mind. And I am just beginning to step across that chasm...

My Little Man

Luke continually entertains us with the things that come out of his mouth.  Whether he's prodding us along by chanting, "Hee!  Ho!  Let's go!" or begging me to do something by asking, "Huh, huh, can we, can we, huh huh?" he always keeps us laughing. 

The other day, he took issue with my southern accent while we were making apple pie.  I pronounce my "i"s in, shall we say, the Southern way.  I don't know how to write it, so I'll write it as "ah," even though that's not right.

When I said we were making "apple pah," Luke said, "Mom, why you say 'pah?'  It's apple pie, not 'pah.'  Why you say, 'pah'?" 

It was his turn to appall us later though, when he and Anna were taking a bath, and Anna was standing up in the tub.  I admonished her to sit down, when Luke chimed in, without looking up, "I done told her to."  Huh?  Okay, we might be southern, but we do not say, "I done."  Ever:).

His instruction to Anna to sit down is very indicative of his view of his role as big brother.  He helps keep small things away from her and warns us if he thinks she is in harm's way.  The other day, we were sitting in the grass up by the garage, and I was talking on the phone with my mom.  Anna started crawling toward the road, and he immediately started to get my attention.  As Anna was about 10 inches from me, nowhere near the road, and definitely not in any danger, I just nodded at him and continued my conversation.  To say that did not appease him is an understatement.  He proceeded to flip out, imploring me through tears, to "Get Anna!  Get Anna!"  Not until Anna was safe in my lap was he convinced that she wasn't going to be run over.

When we aren't immediately at hand, however, Luke takes control of the situation himself.  Recently, Greg was eating breakfast while the kids played on the floor.  Greg heard a commotion and went to investigate, only to find Luke with his arms wrapped around Anna's waist, pulling her back as she tried furiously to crawl into the bathroom.  Luke knows the bathroom is a big no-no for her, but we had forgotten to shut the door.

I think having a little sister has been really good for him.  Now, he definitely does his share of snatching things from her and bossing her, but she also has seemed to nurture a protective streak in him.  This protective impulse was evident the other day at playgroup.  Luke was sitting beside a younger boy eating lunch, when the boy's older brother came and tried to take the boy's sandwich.  Now, I know that Luke would take Anna's sandwich any day of the week.  In the older boy's defense, it was just typical sibling behavior.  The younger sibling didn't even seem to mind that much.  But Luke decided to step in.  I love his response.  He didn't tattle, he didn't pitch a fit, and he didn't go off on the older boy.  He simply blocked the sandwich and kept him from taking it.  The boy tried and tried, but Luke was able to deflect him every time.  The other mothers noticed and drew my attention to what Luke was doing, and we were all impressed.  I like that he was able to nonchalantly challenge a boy two years older than him when he thought that boy was doing something wrong.  And I like that he did it in a firm, but low-drama way.

As I pray over and ponder my children and who they are becoming, there are some things that concern me (why must Luke pretend to be sleeping whenever anyone confronts him with an unpleasant task or a word of reproach?  How's that for conflict avoidance?)  But there are also times like this, where I see a seed of burgeoning character...and it makes me smile.

Happy 1st Birthday, Anna!

Last night, our little Anna had her first birthday party.  We loved getting to celebrate and rejoice over our baby, but I still can't believe that she is ONE YEAR OLD.  That is CRAZY! 

She was a wonderful birthday girl and loved her whole party.  She wasn't overwhelmed by the guests or all the excitement.  She was just so sweet the whole time.  The best part was that Gaga and Granddaddy and Gigi were all able to come in for the party.

She even kept her birthday hat on!

Anna enjoyed her cake.  She did not dig right in, but once she got past the icing to the cake, her pace picked up a bit.

The cutest thing she did was try to share her cake with everyone.  Whenever someone came up beside her, she'd reach out a handful toward them.  At one point, she offered a bite to the table in general, gesturing across the table with her fistful, as if she were asking for any takers!

Though she very carefully ate from one little part of the cake, her right arm did get quite messy!

Gaga, as always, could crack her up.

Time for presents!   Such a cutie.

 Princess Anna is flanked by her dutiful present openers, Luke and Isaac, while being entertained by Gaga.

All tuckered out after her party.

The Clock is Running

Happy New Year, everyone!

I love the new year--the blank slate appeal and all the resolutions go perfectly with my personality. And, as always, I have several (probably ill-fated) resolutions for this year: run 100 days, give the kids more veggies, make a better effort at reading to Anna daily, catch up on scrapbooking, etc. I usually use this time of year to ruminate and brainstorm on how I'd like to improve things and how I'm going to accomplish those goals. In fact, the other day, I was in a reverie about getting my entire house organized and was formulating a plan on how to do that when a thought hit me that has for some reason recurred to me throughout the past few days:

"The clock is running."

I put that in quotes because I hear it as a quote from Tom Hanks in Apollo 13. He, as always, has a unique cadence in his delivery that has stuck with me. He says it as astronaut Jim Lovell, who sees the clock in the rocket ship starting to run as the ship is about to take off. There is both an excitement and a matter-of-factness in his voice that reflects the reality that there is no turning back now. They are going into space. This is not preparation or training...the is the real deal.

This sounds weird, but sometimes I seem to forget that the clock is already running in my life. I look forward to what I want to accomplish as a wife, mother, and woman of God, but I sometimes overlook the present. Recently, I saw a billboard that said, "Life begins when you stop renting." I laughed out loud at such a ridiculous lie and wondered if anyone was actually falling for such a bold piece of manipulation. But sometimes I somehow forget that life doesn't begin once I get the house organized or become the perfect wife and mother. The clock is running now.

Goals are nice, but I don't want to spend my life always feeling like I'm one step behind on my dreams. I want to move forward, but I don't want to live in the future.

I've been doing this Beth Moore Bible study on the fruit of the Spirit, and being in the Word with this study has really helped to center me and remind me what it is that I want out of life.

Simply speaking, I want peace like a river and righteousness like the waves of the sea.

I want to rest and rejoice in God's love.

And I want to understand more fully how to die to myself each day.

To sum up, I want to be clothed with Christ.

And that is not accomplished through a to-do list. It is accomplished by the Spirit, through time with God, and through His Word. Though there are elements of discipline involved, a lot of it involves simply embracing the truths that I've known all along, that have been planted in my heart long ago.


Deuteronomy 30 says, "Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, "Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, "Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it."

Moses was giving the Israelites a tall order here: he was telling them to obey the Law and to love God with all their hearts. But he was saying that it was a choice they could make today, right now. And that they could accomplish today, right now.

I don't want to obsess about resolutions and peer into the future to imagine my life if I did x, y, and z. I want to choose life today. I want commune with God now, to live for Him now.

After all, the clock is running.

Happy New Year.